I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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