if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
