I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
