Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
