Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
