im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
