You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
