everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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