Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
