My ATM looks so different sober.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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