Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
