I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
