she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
