I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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