hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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