On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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