Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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