Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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