Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Please don't give away my fajitas
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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