i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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