There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
