ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
