If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
