yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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