Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
