ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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