He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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