I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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