just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
