the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
