why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
