11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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