around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize