I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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