i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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