Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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