I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
