he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
