It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
