Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
