Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize