Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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