kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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