there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
