can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
