Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize