I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
