Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
