I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
