So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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