I CAN MOONWALK!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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