So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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