I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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