So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
