You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
