I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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