im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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