mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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