It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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