Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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