Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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