Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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