Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
