When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
