I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
