It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
