Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
