you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
