i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
